I have no understanding except some dimmer than dim remembrance in my cells. The script writes itself as I weave and duck the projectiles of unhappiness and despair. I linger in various acts and scenes of repeated unhealthy habits, thought patterns and broken feelings. I stagnate in justifications and transparent excuses. I am a hypocrite and this fuels me. I am searching now. It seems so insurmountable that I am forced to ask question after question. Each question becomes a unit of grace. Little do I know that the units are stacked up in my favor.

© Pamir Kiciman 2007


One thought on “Searching

  • 10/05/2007 at 11:47 AM

    Several times I have felt moved to send this, written by Lama Gendun Rinpoche. Perhaps now is the time. If not, may you please, with a breath of kindness, blow it away.

    “Happiness cannot be found
    through great effort and willpower,
    but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go.

    Don’t strain yourself,
    there is nothing to do or undo.
    Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind
    has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever.
    Why identify with, and become attached to it,
    passing judgment upon it and ourselves?

    Far better to simply
    let the entire game happen on its own,
    springing up and falling back like waves–
    without changing or manipulating anything–
    and notice how everything vanishes and
    reappears, magically, again and again,
    time without end.

    Only our searching for happiness
    prevents us from seeing it.
    It’s like a vivid rainbow which you pursue without ever
    or a dog chasing its own tail.

    Although peace and happiness do not exist
    as an actual thing or place,
    it is always available
    and accompanies you every instant.

    Don’t believe in the reality
    of good and bad experiences;
    they are like today’s ephemeral weather,
    like rainbows in the sky.

    Wanting to grasp the ungraspable,
    you exhaust yourself in vain.
    As soon as you open and relax this tight fist of grasping,
    infinite space is there–open, inviting and comfortable.

    Make use of the spaciousness, this freedom and natural ease.
    Don’t search any further.
    Don’t go into the tangled jungle
    looking for the great awakened elephant,
    who is already resting quietly at home
    in front of your own hearth.

    Nothing to do or undo,
    nothing to force,
    nothing to want,
    and nothing missing—-

    Emaho! Marvelous!
    Everything happens by itself.”


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