Reiki Help Blog

This is dedicated to my mother, a good friend, and my paternal grandparents for whom I was woefully unavailable, as well as all caregivers.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you the caregiver for a dependent? Does it feel unrewarding? Is it burdensome?

Well, take a load off. It wouldn’t be caregiving if it was all fun and games. You’re not a robot. Sometimes, perhaps often it’s not going to feel good. At all. Ease up and be good to yourself. It is a great and arduous service.

Here are four qualities to cultivate as you navigate this experience:

• Compassion
• Detachment
• Recognition
• The long view

Compassion

Compassion is a selfless form of passion, a self-indulgent emotion transformed by wisdom into empathy for the suffering of others. The emotional energy of compassion is every bit as potent as ordinary passion, but rather than scattering energy and disrupting equanimity with bouts of unrestrained emotion, compassion focuses energy and motivates intent to apply one’s wisdom and other resources towards helping people.

–Daniel Reid

Compassion is an essential life quality. If it can help the Dalai Lama keep his equanimity, it can help you. When compassion becomes an anchored part of your being, your human heart becomes greater. It is no longer so little and fragile. There is this grid that becomes available, like steel rebars that support concrete buildings. Except this steel is steely without losing feeling; strong without being harsh; immaterial but so very present; long lasting without loss of meaning.

Compassion makes the heart sacred and it is from there that you serve, not from your personal heart. Compassion is the extra hand to carry, ear to listen, pep to finish, patience to linger, forgiveness to smile, and surplus kindness.

And it isn’t only for the other. It is for both of you. Compassion is available to you and you are in as much need of it as your dependent. Compassion doesn’t separate and classify. There isn’t any hierarchy in it. Compassion isn’t allocated by approval, you don’t have to qualify.

You do have to make yourself available to it.

Detachment

Learn to detach…Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent…But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That’s how you are able to leave it… Take any emotion–love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them–you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that love entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’

–Mitch Albom

Detachment is a place of self-control and objectivity. It is the starting place of the long view. When detached your goat is ungettable! Your buttons are unavailable and you protect yourself. There’s fluidity of motion and action and patience is effortless. Detachment allows service to come through you, rather than from you.

Caregiving is a series of tasks, on one level. These tasks may become tiresome and put pressure on your time and energy. Yet the tasks are unavoidable. When approached with resentment, dread, inattention and emotional escalation, you’re tired and unavailable from the get-go.

Detachment creates spaciousness in heart and mind, and powers your limbs for the tasks at hand.

Recognition

I wasn’t able to find an appropriate quote for what I want to say here, so this one is mine:

Recognize that everything that rubs you the wrong way about your dependent is an unhealed part in them expressing itself, crying out for help, looking to be recognized and loved, to be heard and held, to be made whole however desperately.

Recognition is to see the person behind the dependency. More, to see the soul behind the person. Recognition is to not equate the person with their suffering. Suffering is part of the person, but it is not the person. It is something they are going through and they are in fear. So are you probably.

When you recognize what is actually happening, your buttons are again unavailable, your goat is happily bleating and there is more spaciousness. The way your dependent makes you feel is not personal. It is about them and it simply is. You must let their behavior bounce off of you, for they can’t help it.

The other side of recognition is to be very aware of your own resources and limits. Like compassion, recognition works both ways. Where do you stop and the other person begins? You may be a caregiver, but you retain autonomy and the two of you haven’t merged.

Recognize not only your limits but also your own needs. Endlessly giving doesn’t work for either party, quality care suffers and so do you. This requires a promise. A promise you keep and act upon. It is simple but you must be resolute. If you need a fill-in, be resolute about that too.

The long view

Kalpa: An exceptionally-long (but varying) period of time in Hindu and Buddhist thought.

Every 100 years, a bird flies over the summit of Mount Sumeru and, in so doing, brushes the pinnacle with a red silk scarf held in its beak. A kalpa is the period of time it takes to wear the mountain down to nothing by this activity.

No, that is not how long you have to give care! It is only a lens to help you get perspective. The burden of care you’re giving is circumscribed in the temporal. There is much more to reality than the temporal.

Service is merit and merit is spiritual currency you want to have as you navigate eternity.

Not only that, but when you serve meritoriously it gives the served an opportunity to grow and evolve too. This may be very hidden and completely unobservable, but do not despair. Practicing awareness enhancers such as compassion, detachment and recognition creates a crucible of heart energies and thoughts for personal growth and spiritual development to take place, even if the other person is not actively engaged.

Furthermore, the way you view the person you care for, how you approach and interact determines greatly what responses and reactions you receive. If you think they are cranky and demanding, then that’s what they will be. You get what you expect. One way to avoid this is to expect something different. Envision and affirm more productive and cooperative behavior and interaction.

Hold this person in a new light, the light of possibilities. They may be entrenched in their patterns and misery, but you can trust that they would rather not be. They would rather have dignity returned and show appreciation, share a smile and a warm look.

Create the space of sacred heart for mutual acknowledgment, trust and solidarity. You’re in it together and the sooner you surrender power struggles, the more rewards there will be. This may include you neutralizing any power plays coming from the person in need of your care. Yes, it seems like you have to do all the work, all the inner work, and all the outer work. Yet, right there a gate opens to a garden where the sun shines and the beauty of flowers is available equally to both of you.

I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.

– Kahlil Gibran

Worry is pervasive whether you’re a Reiki practitioner or not. In either case, worry occurs but it isn’t a wisdom practice. Worry is about the future and the future hasn’t happened yet. Worrying simply locks your energy up in projections which may or may not happen, and even if they were to happen, haven’t happened yet.

Anything that invests your energy and awareness outside the present moment is not a practice of wisdom. It means that you’re not present to that which worries you.

This is not to say that we don’t have concerns in general, or in our practice of Reiki with others (others including our perts and animals). The question is what serves the life form you’re helping? Does your worry serve their healing, wellness and happiness? Is worry a healing agent or does it get in the way?

The answer is clear. Growing into non-worrying is a practice. This practice begins and ends with the wisdom of knowing that you are not responsible for the results of sharing Reiki with others, or the health of the recipient. You are only responsible for the quality and consistency of being the best Reiki practitioner you can be.

Usui Sensei kept it quite simple:

For today only: Do not anger, Do not worry,
Be humble,
Be honest in your work
Be compassionate to yourself and others.

Although anger is a different emotion than worry, it’s effect is the same: It removes you from the present. Anger is mostly about the past and worry is mostly about the future. Both are not the present and the present requires your full awareness.

Who you share Reiki with requires your full awareness in the present.

A member of Global Healing Weave said it like this:

We’re probably given such challenges in order to learn how to balance the tension of opposites, to hold both sides of a situation and be strong in the middle of it.

She’s right on! As practitioners of spiritual and healing arts we’re the clear, pure, central conduit in a world of duality. Anger and worry muddy up the conduit. These two emotions also wear us down, tearing at our birthright of true power and love.

“I’ve developed a new philosophy…I only dread one day at a time.”
–Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)

Between birth and death is the hopscotch of daily despondency. Dimly in the background, the whoosh of eternity is coursing through my cells. The alarm clock of awakening is on perpetual snooze. It rings at regular intervals, yet an automatic programming silences it. Until the next time. And the next. And the next.

© Pamir Kiciman 2007

Related:
Ever-present Love
Threshold of Healing
Spiritual Love
The Self
Self & Divine
Existence
Wholeness / Duality
Order & Unity
Rounds of Incarnations
Pain
Searching

The bravest thing I’ve done is to take responsibility for my life: my thoughts and feelings, actions and behaviors, my pain, and my creations. This type of responsibility is like a subscription that renews. It’s not like you’re done with it. And it can propel you into another sphere altogether. More on that in a minute.

This writing is prompted by Jenny and Erin specifically in The Bravest Thing I’ve Ever Done and earlier when Understanding Courage was explored. Thanks for tagging, challenging and asking me.Taking responsibility is plenty courageous. There’s a point of total breakdown, of annihilation. It’s a death for certain.

Then courage in the from of an honestly raw accounting of the mess you’re in. This is what I call the ‘blood and guts of healing.’It need not stop there. In my case and the possibility exists for everyone, taking responsibility for myself lead to something much scarier: embracing my true nature. It launched me into a quest, which wouldn’t have been possible without the ‘first’ courage.

One of the biggest things we run from is our true nature. Afterall drama is so much easier. You know it inside out, can give a command performance in your sleep, and really validate how miserable your life is like 2+2=4, no room for error. This is the persona I’ve donned, these are my poisons and you better get the hell outta my way! I’m running from my Self and even Olympic athletes don’t have the steroids I do.

I did that into my early-mid-thirties. Amongst many other things. It was hedonist, escapist, lustful, fun, utterly dysfunctional, I loved and weeped and guffawed, opined, judged, raged, gave and stole, alienated and hurt people and myself, danced my tush off…and…

One dawn after Hurricane Andrew had torn through Southern Florida, I woke up. The proverbial light bulb. And that was still way back in the dark days, when the courage I knew I’d have to muster terrified me.

You have to be brave to have courage. Ironic isn’t it?

Folks, I’ve news for you. There’s so much unseen Grace. Divine intervention is waiting like a flickering candle about to drown in it’s own wax at the edges of our willingness. Initially it only takes your cupping the flame to steady it against the draft, to tease the wick out of the wax. That’s all. That moment of caring attention where you’re quiet and still enough that your true nature can enter, after its years of knocking and show you your colors.

Then the journey begins of healing the wounds of the human, and even more fear-wrought, that foundation propelling you into Self.

Self can be described in many ways and it’s not so important to do that here. What’s important is that upping the ante is courage on an entirely different level. This is the courage to own that while you were broken, your spirit never was; while you believed you were flesh and bones, your soul smiled and winked; while you felt worthless, gold poured into your heart; while you felt unloved, you were cradled in patient compassion; while your mind was weak, your consciousness was fortified; while you were in darkness, the Light buoyed you; while you were lost, wisdom protected you.

I know this. As a child, even though my personality never took it seriously, even though it was by rote and I thought I didn’t know how to pray, my soul took over and prayed and prayed and prayed everytime my house was filled with voices bellowed, things smashed, doors slammed, love crushed and laughter squelched. When later I consciously prayed my soul just beamed warmly.

In the physical world, you can’t ignore a wall. In the spiritual life, you can’t ignore Eternity. Eternity in this sense is the absence of time, not an endless span of time. Eternity is as real as the street you live on. Your street exists in Eternity. So there are two choices. Numb and run, and my god are there countless ways to do that! Consumerism is geared for that alone.

Or, allow the bravery of your true nature to infuse you and take the lead. This is going to require spiritual backbone, vigilance, recommitments, endurance, sourcing courage again and again, along with a host of other resources. But it then becomes a meritorious life. And simply happy and healthy.

That’s the one I chose, choose and re-choose.

I’ll end with a haiku of mine from way before my dawn, a kind of precursor:

hide and seeking
our souls
games people will play

© Pamir Kiciman 2007

Read the original meme “What Gives You Courage?” by Lorraine Cohen

Spiritual love is part humility and part surrender. It tames the human ego and pride. When we move into a space of inner experimentation we realize how much is yet to be known. Yet our ignorance is revealed to us with deep compassion and love. Why? Because we have made the first admission. To dismantle the structures of self-importance is a fearful process. When we come clean with ourselves and ask that the All is revealed, the fear subsides and love infuses our being. We still do not know the All, but the love so uplifts us that we become more useful human beings, both to ourselves and to others. In that love is all the knowledge and wisdom we seek.

© Pamir Kiciman 2007

At the confusing and fearful threshold of stepping into healing, love is the only choice to make.

Love simplifies all.

I love for I know only good comes to me.
Where there is love I am safe.
Where there is love I can trust.

Unconditional love fosters unconditional healing. Unconditional love is Divine love, and it permeates everything. Such love is hidden and scarce, yet contains all.

© Pamir Kiciman 2007